I only wish you understand. I only wish you knew. You know what your mask is there for and i hope you do know that I need one too. I need to live the act. Please trust me. I've done so much for you and I hope you knew that, that the me now, is no difference from the past. Anyone could ask how much i love you and how much i love you is I would suffer as a bridge for 500 years, being rain at, scorched by the sun at and being chill by winter wind at, and all i ask for is for you to walk over that bridge everyday. I would take all your pain for you. Even if it would takes the remaining of my lifetime just to spend a truly happy 24 hours with you. i know you know how much I love you and that's that. End

Why still no signs of happiness? What exactly do you want? A stable life? A loving husband? Money? Do whatever you like? To me, everything is laid out nicely in front of you, but you refuses to be happy. It's not you can't be happy, but you chose not to. I look at those photos. Your eyes bring so much sorrow. Are you so greedy that it will never be enough? When I'm there. 1 week. You're fine, nothing much 2 weeks. Starting to get bored 3 weeks. It's really getting bored 4 weeks. You need to be alone. It's getting faster and faster. Being independent doesn't happen overnight, doesn't happen in 1 week. It takes time. It takes effort. Being independent means INDEPENDENT! It doesn't mean you rely on someone else. If thinking one day, I might be gone and you can't rely anymore, then let me be there always. Let me. Whatever you are doing or trying to do is just pushing this promise away. Getting all fed-up and pissed doesn't show you are "strong". Crying and being upset doesn't show you are "weak". Getting angry shows you are too "weak" to face the truth. Back to where you left

2 days ago, something hit me. I don't know when will it happen again.
I was looking at my wallet (those who know me well enough should know what I'm looking at) and my mind was overwhelmed with memories. With sadness, joy, sorrow, longing, misses and etc. that I black out. Just black out. I don't have any memories of who are you. I was lost.
I took 10 mins to recollect and for the memory to relapse. That 10 mins seems like 10 hours. I couldn't remember any single thing at all. You were a total stranger.
It happened 3 times that day.
I try not to think. I force myself to. Something has to stop me from bringing it up. And the next thing i know, my hand is poisoned.
With that, will i only be able to calm down, to feel a whole lot better. To cry.
I think i really need a psychiatrist.

I __ you. I really __ you so deeply that i can't bring myself out of the hole. Not as easily as how you did. Even right now, I'm doing something. Just for you. If only you knew. If only i knew.

Something about drinking. You get all numb and your fuck up mind gets taken off everything else except fun, joy and etc. But the next morning that you wake up and look at that damm ceiling of your room, we all realised " Im still back at square one"
Then what do we do? Repeat the cycle and make people around us all worried and their butts on fire?
Or do we try and make things better?
But what to do? I can't even stop myself.
From all this things running in my head. (had no freaking idea what running in my head also)
From all this"things" that bugging my head
From I dont even know what i'm thinking about.
I can't, at the moment, do what everyone said is good for me.
I've been trying to tire myself out. Sleeping like only 2 hours every night.
To be so tired that I can't think of you
To numb myself
I don't see myself in the mirror anymore.
All of my memories keep you near. In silent moments, imagine you here.
Your silent whispers, silent tears.
Be happy. Try to.